Chapter 38

Emily awoke about 11:30 and turned to look at Harold. He was a large lump in the bed but had carefully wrapped himself around her. She extricated herself and walked to the bath. She returned in a white robe and called room service.

"No, I am sorry madam, we only have lunch at this time."

"Two Diet Caffeine Free Cokes, two orange juices, a turkey club, a roast beef on rye, a large bag of corn chips, and some grapes, please." What kind of hotel doesn't have 24 hour breakfast on room service. Even Denny's has 24 hour breakfast! Emily got up and took a shower. A few minutes later, a knock came at he door. Harold still buck naked, opened the door, rolled in the room service cart, signed the check, and went over to his trousers to get a tip. When he turned to pay, the waiter was surprisingly gone. Harold joined Emily in the shower. After a few minutes they toweled each other dry and then sat on the porch eating lunch. The sun was warm and they were in love. Once lunch was over, Harold walked into the bath, removed two large towels, and picked up a pillow from the bed. He moved the chairs on the patio, lay down the towels, tossed the pillow to one end. They lay down on the towels and fed each other grapes for the few minutes before Harold leaned toward Emily's mons pubis. She looked at him and smiled. He smiled. Her legs fell apart and Harold began licking the moist fur and vestibule. She motioned to him to kiss her, he turned, and they mated once again. They lay on the porch all afternoon and finally watched the golden sunset over Lanai.

Around 7 they arose from their bed on the porch. Harold walked into the bath and took a shower, Emily joined him there. They then dressed in shorts and tee shirts.

"You know Emily, I spent a hour at breakfast this morning getting my picture taken by the Osaka Tour Group. They were quite nice."

"Harold. I saw an interview with Erlichman once after the Watergate mess. Erlichman had complained of being recognized in public and then started wearing a hat and sunglasses and was able to move around quite freely. That's what those movie stars do. Could you try it tonight so we can be left alone?"

"OK, if you think it will help." Harold was willing to try anything to please her. He put on a lime green baseball cap and dark glasses.

They walked out of the room and took the elevator to the garage. In the garage they got into their red convertible. Harold put the top down and they drove into Lahaina. They drove down Front Street and passed all the tacky shops selling jewelry, tee shirts, boat trips, time shares from hell and BMMA.

It is incredible that a person will spend thousands of dollars to go on a vacation. If they are American, it is one of the two precious weeks of vacation a year. They will go to a place like Maui that is a tropical paradise, and they will let themselves get sucked into a HARD SELL sales pitch from hell for four steak knives. No one, no where, no why is going to give you something for free. If it looks like you are going to get something for free, watch out, it is going to cost you lots of money. The freer it looks, the more you will pay. You get a free video of Hawaii, Free Multicolor Book of Hawaii, fifty bucks in cash, and a free lunch in our Time Share From Hell. They take you on a little van ride. Didn't your mother tell you not to accept rides from strangers? Can't have your car you could get away. They show you an OK hotel with nice landscaping, then they tell you about the time share time trade system. Then they tell you the price. $20,000 for a week adds up to a 52 week total of $1,040,000 for 400 square feet of hotel room in a place you may never see again. The price alone is ridiculous. If they have 200 units they just sold the damn building for more than $200,000,000. That's 200 million dollars. Lots of zeroes. There are 10,400 units both in time and space so there is no way in hell you can ever sell your segment to anyone. There are 10,400 people ahead of you in bankruptcy court trying to get their money back. Selling is impossible. The company that runs it will just disappear, or go bankrupt, and your $20,000 disappears in attorney fees. It is piss in the wind. Oh, I forgot the best part, You pay taxes, and condo fees. Why don't these morons just put the $20,000 in the stock market and take the dividend payments out each year for a nice vacation? The high pressure works on 20% of people who just lost $20,000 for the price of a coffee table book and video they will never read or look at. I bet with a rubber hose and genital electrodes, you could only get twice as many to sign.

Harold drove along Front Street looking for a parking space. Finally he parked in the little shopping center and they walked across the street to a little restaurant. Tropical architecture is wonderful in the tropics. Bad in the arctic, good in the tropics. The restaurant had a porch over the water and open walls that could be closed with little roll down flaps. The weather was nice so the flaps were up. There were ceiling fans that kept a slight breeze going. They were escorted to a table by a window on the ocean side of the restaurant. It was over the water and the waves broke just beneath the restaurant. The waiter came over with menus.

"My name is Steve and I will be your waitperson tonight. Our fresh fish tonight include Maine Lobster and Brazilian Swordfish. Local fish include frozen Mahi Mahi, fresh frozen Ahi, and Ono."

"What's wrong?" Harold looked at him inquisitively.

"What?" The waiter looked confused.

"What's wrong?" Harold looked at him even more seriously. "I know that when I say Uh oh, or oops, I mean oops. What's wrong?"

"What?" The waiter didn't understand.

"You said O'no. What's wrong with the Ahi?" Harold really was insistent now.

"Ono is a fish, man. So is Ahi. Do you want drinks or not." Where do they get these tourists from anyway?

"Oh." Now Harold understood.

"No, it's Ono, not oh. We have a salad bar and it comes with rice or baked potato." This guy is weird. "And for you ma'am?" Maybe the lady is taking him out from a mental facility or something.

"Is the Mahi Mahi fresh?" Emily looked at the waiter.

"No, it is a local catch but they freeze it, ship it to our processing plant in Oakland California, and then overnight air freight it back to us. The Maine Lobster and Brazilian Swordfish are fresh." Don't these people listen to you the first time?

"I'll take the swordfish with rice." Weird place.

"Drinks?" Got to sell em a drink. That is where all the revenue comes from.

"I'll take a Mai Tai. And for you Emily?" Harold looked to Emily.

"A Kamakazi, please." Emily said quite demurely.

Harold slunk back into his chair. It was quite dark in the restaurant and he could barely see anything with the sunglasses and hat on. The drinks came with the same little maraschino cherries stuck on an umbrella into a pineapple wedge. Harold sipped his and Emily took a big slug of hers. The waves lapped at the shore and they began to relax.

Just at that point a bus of tourists stopped at the stop sign in front of the restaurant. A man on the restaurant side of the bus looked through the darkened glass. He began tapping on the window and shouting. He then jumped up and ran to the front of the bus. The driver opened the door and all forty tourists. You know the kind that take a bus tour of Minneapolis rather than explore it on their own, climbed off the bus. They all had cameras half video, half still. Thirty nine of them poured into the restaurant. One stopped to ask the driver how long they had at this stop. Finally, reassured that his watch was synchronized to the bus driver's and that he had fifteen minutes, he got off the bus, and ran into the restaurant. There the group of forty stood around Harold and Emily. Harold's pen had run dry and so he was offered several by the tourists. He signed matchbook covers, packets of sugar, and a few formal little books. They circled around his table and finally the people at the adjoining tables got autographs and then left. The tour bus people sat down and ordered dinner. Each needed their picture taken with Harold. They moved his table to the center of the room to allow them to be on all sides of the table.

Harold and Emily's food came about fifteen minutes later. The Ono was tough and the Brazilian Swordfish almost as stiff. Both obviously frozen and thawed in a microwave. Harold realized he was in a restaurant with a Good View and Bad Food. There is an inverse relationship between the quality of food and the view. Those chefs who do badly in cooking school are hired by restaurants with good views and high rent. Those chefs who can cook go to the restaurants with white table cloths, no decor, and no scenery. Harold was a sucker for GVBF restaurants. The bus driver honked his horn about ten times, then leaned on it. He then got off the bus, walked in to the restaurant. When he saw Harold he got his picture taken with the happy couple and then shooed the tourists back on the bus.

Harold ordered a piece of chocolate suicide cake and Emily ordered a raspberry tart. The desert came and they tried to pay the bill only to find it had been paid by one of the men on the tour. Harold and Emily smiled at each other and left. They walked down Front Street with a throng of people following Harold. They walked into an ABC store and bought a pair of those glasses with the eye brows and plastic nose. They didn't help one bit.

They drove the little red convertible back to the Westin, went up to their room, and vowed to eat room service for the rest of the week.

Chapter 39

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