Chapter 23

The two men walked into the capitol cafeteria and ordered coffee and donuts. The congressmen rarely ate here. It was too reasonable a place. They preferred the expensive restaurants meals paid for by political action committee groups. This was the sort of place that served food, not prestige and awe. Harold and John sat at a small table. John immediately opened his brief case and removed a stack of papers. "Harold, I loved your presentation. The footnotes, the references, even the little figures complete with error bars. Harold, who do you think you are talking to? These guys are not the National Academy of Sciences. These are a bunch of people who get to biopsy your wallet before you even get the money, and then spend more than they actually take from you. They have spent the last ten years trying to squeeze $1.50 worth of government out of $1.00. They have no concept of anything except their own personal benefit. You have to gear your presentation to make it look like there is something financially beneficial to each and every member of the committee. What can each one of these congressman and senators promise to either the voters or their supporters if they vote for your package. You are asking these legislators for a billion dollars."

"Only 500 million for the first shot." Harold's mouth was full of a chocolate donut so the words were a tad bit mumbled despite his profound belief in their veracity.

"You are naive, aren't you? Nothing in this town costs only 500 million dollars. They will tack on enough stuff to quadruple your worst cost estimate. You will soon think that a $20,000 toilet seat is a good bargain. You are asking, and they know you are asking for several billion dollars. But if the damn thing works it will still be cheap real estate you are producing. Albeit a bit of a commute, and violating the first five rules of real estate."

"Five rules?" Harold was listening quite intently. The chocolate from the first donut was melting on his face as he dabbed at it with a sleeve.

"Yeah, Location, Location, Location, Location, and Location. You need to figure out how to make it look like you are buying seed from the farmers, and wood from the foresters, and parts from, and computers from, and, and, and... Oh, and make it so these guys can go home and tout you as someone and something they supported." John picked up a sugar coated donut and chomped into the dust covered torroid.

"So, what do I tell them? Do I lie to them? Bribe them?" Harold's voice went up as his belief in the goodness of the U.S. government went down the drain.

"Lie, Bribe, those are such nasty words, Harold. We like to use more positive, non-judgmental, less clear words. Like, reduction of the increasing rate of growth, words that obfuscate, gloss over, terms like financial support, job development. I would start with your intro and then duck the biologic warfare, genetic mutant on a planetary scale, and rape and destruction of the universe questions. Then cut right to the economic incentives program. Are you sending any ethnically or culturally challenged organisms? Organisms of Color? The legislators love to play that card."

"Ethnically or culturally challenged organisms." Harold couldn't believe his ears. What was this man talking about? He took the gobble-dy-gook of lawyer speak and mixed it with enough politically-correct environmental-speak to confuse almost everyone.

"Yeah you know: Toxigenic E.coli from Mexico, Kuru from New Guinea, something that would get the minorities action committee behind you. You're of ethnic descent Harold, aren't you? George told me you were. Perfect. Now this little thing about the environmental effects...." John went on for an hour. Harold had no idea what he was talking about, he just nodded in appreciation every once in a while and John kept going on. Finally, the hour arrived. Both men stood up and walked to the committee room. Harold still had the napkin tucked in his pants and John Thomas thought he still had his attention.

Chapter 24

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